Garbanzo

He's darling and helpful and bright and literary and hard-working and very often a joy.
He also smashes his sister behind the door so hard that the hinges rip out of the wall, threatens her with glass bottles, and frightens me.

Did I mention the time he started a fire in the upstairs bathroom?
Or the time he jumped into the driver's seat of my parent's van and rolled it into the garage wall?
Or casually, when passing by, flicked the "Go" button on Grandpa's power chair, sending Grandpa careening off the dock and (thank God) onto the dock below it where he screeched to a stop on my leg, pinching me between the chair and a sailboat, that (thank God again) was moored tightly, else I and Gpa and chair would have gone over, me at the bottom?
Or the whole series of finding stinky little jars of pee stashed around the house?
Or the run of pants-wetting?
Or the sleep-walking out of the house?
Or the stealing?
Or the time he asked to use the bathroom at the lab and shortly afterwards the key to The. Very. Important. Case. was discovered missing? And he pretended that the key that looked exactly like the missing key and that was found in his pocket was one from home?
Or the time he turned off all the lights and displays in the museum?

And there are so many more . . .

yuck

Tater's constant oppositional and antagonistic attitude is wearing me out. My love bank is empty, my patience is worn thin. I don't even want to see her, much less mother her.

Why Does She Do This?

Tater & Garbanzo: fuss fuss
Tater & Garbanzo: bicker bicker
Tater & Garbanzo: fuss fuss
Tater & Garbanzo: bicker bicker
Tater & Garbanzo: fuss fuss
Tater & Garbanzo: bicker bicker
Me: If you two are going to fuss about the placements, you may be excused.
Tater: fuss fuss bicker bicker
Me: Okay, you are excused.
Tater: RAGE!

Bullying

This is a post from earlier this summer . . .  I'm not sure why it didn't post at the time.  Garbanzo had been assigned the role of assistant director for a play.

___________________________

So, I pull into the theater and the director is waiting for me.  Never a good sign.  Apparently Garbanzo blocked a kid into the toilet stall, making him crawl out under the door and threatened him if he told.
I go get Garbanzo and put him in the van.  Why are you here Garbanzo?
Because I put my pill in my lunchbox and didn't take it. 
No, but that is helpful to know about.  Why are you here?
Because of the chocolate chips.
No, but that is helpful to know about.  Why are you here?
Because of the chocolate milk in my lunchbox.
No, but that is helpful to know about.  Why are you here?
I don't know.
That's interesting.  Let me know when you are ready to tell me and then we can talk about how many days you will miss rehearsal.

For two hours he makes up nonsense: "I told kids to not run" etc.  Finally he confesses.  I thank him for being truthful and we go home.

Later that evening, we called the director and made arrangements for his return.  He was to be demoted and removed from all positions of authority over the other kids.  He was to receive a scolding from the director that included words like "trust' "authority" "confidence" and "disappointment".  He was to be kept apart from the other kids during the remaining rehearsals and sit in the audience with us during the show (sister was in the show).

The director held up her end beautifully, none of this "oh it's okay" B.S. that people tend to hand out.  Garbanzo spent the next two rehearsals sitting in the theater auditing the script -- just marking deviations, not announcing them -- make-work, really -- but it kept him away from the other kids and his change in status was visible to all.  He sat in the audience with us and when the other two assistant directors took their bows he cried.

I got this in my email box today.  I snipped out the identifying parts; I just wanted to share this part with you.  The writer is talking about her daughter, also adopted as an older child.

  Her Achilles heel is that she is insecure.  Her insecurity presents itself as irritating behavior.  She was obviously more hurt by losing her family, although she doesn’t have a single kind word to say about her mother.  She’s a whiner, complainer and a glass-half-empty kind of girl.  If something is bothering her, she makes sure everyone knows it.  My husband and I are trying to address the behavior as much as we can, because life won’t be joyful for her if she operates out of insecurity.
 

Yup -- that's my Tater too.

Somehow it is so comforting to know that someone else out there really understands.  Thanks!!

not friends anymore

Being told by Tater that you are no longer her friend is rather like being un-friended by the rooster.  How is it going to look any different?

two-point shots

Tater: I don't get this problem.
Me: "I don't get" is not a question.
Tater: This part.
(points to words that say So-n-so made 23 two-point shots. . . )
Me: Well, how much is a two-point shot worth?
Tater: I don't know! They never taught me that! How am I supposed to know?
Me: Well, you let me know when you are ready to tell me and then I will help you set up the problem.
Tater: (rages off)

Tater

Tater appears has one driving purpose in life: to provoke conflict, preferably with Mom.  Her first relationship ever was with her mom, and it was a relationship filled with anger.  Being angry at Mom is a very familiar feeling for her.  Not being angry feels odd.  If she can't get at my buttons, she'll have a go at her brother, or the puppy.  Again, we can see the pattern.  We understand why she is this way.  But how do we effect change?

Garbonzo

Argh.  In the last two weeks Garbonzo has . . .

• stolen a key from the lab and blithely feigned innocence during the ensuing hub-bub of "Where's the key?".  Of course, it was in his pocket.
• stolen pocketfuls of candy from his Gma, and blithely feigned innocence even after the pat-down and discovery.
• talked his sister into a cheating co-op wherein one steals the teacher books and copies the answers whilst the other posts look-out, and blithely feigned innocence even after her confession.
• smuggled off-limits treats out of the house and into his lunchbox.
• locked little kids in the bathroom stalls and threatened to to harm them if they told.
• told us a chore/task has been done when it most obviously has not been done.  This occurs 15-20 times a day. 
• lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. 

We are definitely seeing a pattern.   This nasty behavior tends to appear after any of the fun summer activities.  Day camp, VBS, drama camp, etc.  Anything in which a large group of kids are under the supervision of a few adults (aka anything away from Mom) triggers orphanage behavior patterns.  We can see it.  It all makes sense.  But how do we make it go away?

update

Things are, relatively speaking, better around here.  Not that the stealing and raging has stopped, but that they have slowed down some.  I still have to do pocket checks on Garbonzo on a regular basis, and Tater expresses most large feelings as rage, but all-in-all we have more good days than bad, though that may be by a margin of one.

Shoplifting

Garbanzo is stealing again.  Just little things, mostly sweeties, that he pockets in the stores.  So distressing.  We always make him go back to the store and confess and then do work for them to pay them back.  This doesn't seem to deter him at all, but I don't know what else to do.  What do you advise?

The Scullery Maid

I have it on good authority that my name, The Scullery Maid, sounds too self-pitying.  I am accepting nominations for alternate names.

is it working?

My MIL called to ask, "Is it working? Being mean to her?"  Not that I am being mean to her on a regular basis, just the one-time here's-what-it-looks-like-to-be-around-you demonstration.

Yes, I would have to say it has.  Between that and the calm two swats, repeated as necessary, Tater has had a total of ONE temper tantrum since Monday.  One.  We have had some fusses, yes, but no raging.  Three rage-free days in a row is a record here.  So yes, I would have to say it is working.

The S-word

So, Tater's behavior is progressively worse: this year is worse than last, last year was worse than the one before.  It's the kind of behavior that if we saw some other kid doing it we would furrow our brows and say, "That kid needs a spanking."  I know. I know.  I just uttered the unspeakable word.  When you have recovered, read on.

Our guiding book Transforming the Difficult Child (which does not advocate spanking) recommends that we acknowledge that all emotional reactions from parents are -- from a kid's perspective -- pay-offs.  Negative or positive, they are the desired response. 

We especially see this when I am doing anything that precludes giving Tater my attention.  She would like to have non-stop undivided attention.  If I am not available for positive attention, she will deliberately trigger negative attention.  Literally, it will go like this:

Me: Tater, I am not available for 20 minutes.  If you interrupt me, you will have to wait on your bed.
(20 seconds pass -- she interrupts.)
Me: Okay, time to wait on your bed.
Tater: NOOooo, I don't want to. (Screams, rages, won't go to her bed, throws things, screams that she hates me and that when she grows up she will come back and stomp on my stomach.)  Pretty much does whatever she can think of that will get me to physically move her to her bed and/or return to the room she is in.  When the mean screaming doesn't work, she will sob that she needs a snuggle.

Oh, she needs a snuggle. I'm supposed to deliver that right?  No!  I used to, but I've smartened up.  Look at this from her point of view.

Mom says she is not available.  If I act up, I'll be sent to sit on my bed but if I don't go, she'll have to take me (attention) and if I scream something loud enough or long enough or mean enough she'll come close my door and windows (attention) and when I stop screaming she'll pop in all smiley that I stopped screaming and I'll get a long snuggle and I'll have her attention.

And this is pretty much wrecking my life. I can't stand the screaming 2-4 times a day, an hour at a time.  I can't keep my cool, so even if I am calm and neutral with her, the anxiety emanating off of me for the next several hours is a tremendous pay-off for her.  How powerful she must be to jangle her adult so thoroughly.

And how can we sparkle and dote upon her for compliance when there isn't any?  For this, sparkling and doting, is (according to our book) the path to happiness: help her see herself as someone who can be pleasing.

This morning:

Tater comes in all scowling and snarling because she doesn't like part of the day's plan.
Me: Please leave my room.  You may come back when you can be pleasant.
(You need to know that our bedroom is the long-established safe house for adults and pets.  The children may be in there by permission and at our discretion.  I have to have somewhere to cool off.)
Tater huffs out in an indignant and surly manner.
Me: Please go sit on your bed.
Tater objects and back-talks and argues.
Me: Tater, I cannot allow you to behave in such an ugly manner.  Please come in and get your spanking. (Now, before you think this is so harsh, remember that past experience causes me to believe that her screaming will escalate into a huge drawn-out long ordeal and my goal for the day is to take the kids swimming with their cousins.)
I give her two swats in a very calm neutral manner.
Me: Please go upstairs quietly and sit on your bed.

Tater screams.
Me: Tater, I cannot allow you to behave in such an ugly manner.  Please come in and get your spanking.
I give her two swats in a very calm neutral manner.
Me: Please go upstairs quietly and sit on your bed.

Tater: Stomps and kicks and scowls.
Me: Tater, I cannot allow you to behave in such an ugly manner. Please come in and get your spanking.
I give her two swats in a very calm neutral manner.
Me: Please go upstairs quietly and sit on your bed.

Tater goes upstairs quietly and sits on her bed.

Twenty minutes pass.  Nothing is thrown.  No mean words are shouted.  It is amazing.  Garbanzo is amazed.  I am amazed.

I call her down. I lavish her with praise and admiration for using her strength (she likes power, remember?) to go upstairs quietly and to sit on her bed.  I do a silly happy dance.  She giggles.  I hug her. Garbanzo high-fives her.  I lighten an unpleasant obligation that she is carrying for the day.  We eat breakfast together.  Life is good.

I know the spankings are so questionable.  I question them.  But in this instance, they were able to derail the Tantrum Train, so she could experience what it might be like to obey and please Mama and received positive energy and have a nice day.

I like the train analogy.  If she is on a speeding run-away out-of-control train heading for wreck, and I can shove her off the train, I'll do it.

Right now she is pleasant and helpful and singing.