Our guiding book Transforming the Difficult Child
(which does not advocate spanking) recommends that we acknowledge that all emotional reactions from parents are -- from a kid's perspective -- pay-offs. Negative or positive, they are the desired response. 
We especially see this when I am doing anything that precludes giving Tater my attention. She would like to have non-stop undivided attention. If I am not available for positive attention, she will deliberately trigger negative attention. Literally, it will go like this:
Me: Tater, I am not available for 20 minutes. If you interrupt me, you will have to wait on your bed.Oh, she needs a snuggle. I'm supposed to deliver that right? No! I used to, but I've smartened up. Look at this from her point of view.
(20 seconds pass -- she interrupts.)
Me: Okay, time to wait on your bed.
Tater: NOOooo, I don't want to. (Screams, rages, won't go to her bed, throws things, screams that she hates me and that when she grows up she will come back and stomp on my stomach.) Pretty much does whatever she can think of that will get me to physically move her to her bed and/or return to the room she is in. When the mean screaming doesn't work, she will sob that she needs a snuggle.
Mom says she is not available. If I act up, I'll be sent to sit on my bed but if I don't go, she'll have to take me (attention) and if I scream something loud enough or long enough or mean enough she'll come close my door and windows (attention) and when I stop screaming she'll pop in all smiley that I stopped screaming and I'll get a long snuggle and I'll have her attention.And this is pretty much wrecking my life. I can't stand the screaming 2-4 times a day, an hour at a time. I can't keep my cool, so even if I am calm and neutral with her, the anxiety emanating off of me for the next several hours is a tremendous pay-off for her. How powerful she must be to jangle her adult so thoroughly.
And how can we sparkle and dote upon her for compliance when there isn't any? For this, sparkling and doting, is (according to our book) the path to happiness: help her see herself as someone who can be pleasing.
This morning:
Tater comes in all scowling and snarling because she doesn't like part of the day's plan.
Me: Please leave my room. You may come back when you can be pleasant.
(You need to know that our bedroom is the long-established safe house for adults and pets. The children may be in there by permission and at our discretion. I have to have somewhere to cool off.)
Tater huffs out in an indignant and surly manner.
Me: Please go sit on your bed.
Tater objects and back-talks and argues.
Me: Tater, I cannot allow you to behave in such an ugly manner. Please come in and get your spanking. (Now, before you think this is so harsh, remember that past experience causes me to believe that her screaming will escalate into a huge drawn-out long ordeal and my goal for the day is to take the kids swimming with their cousins.)
I give her two swats in a very calm neutral manner.
Me: Please go upstairs quietly and sit on your bed.
Tater screams.
Me: Tater, I cannot allow you to behave in such an ugly manner. Please come in and get your spanking.
I give her two swats in a very calm neutral manner.
Me: Please go upstairs quietly and sit on your bed.
Tater: Stomps and kicks and scowls.
Me: Tater, I cannot allow you to behave in such an ugly manner. Please come in and get your spanking.
I give her two swats in a very calm neutral manner.
Me: Please go upstairs quietly and sit on your bed.
Tater goes upstairs quietly and sits on her bed.Twenty minutes pass. Nothing is thrown. No mean words are shouted. It is amazing. Garbanzo is amazed. I am amazed.
I call her down. I lavish her with praise and admiration for using her strength (she likes power, remember?) to go upstairs quietly and to sit on her bed. I do a silly happy dance. She giggles. I hug her. Garbanzo high-fives her. I lighten an unpleasant obligation that she is carrying for the day. We eat breakfast together. Life is good.
I know the spankings are so questionable. I question them. But in this instance, they were able to derail the Tantrum Train, so she could experience what it might be like to obey and please Mama and received positive energy and have a nice day.
I like the train analogy. If she is on a speeding run-away out-of-control train heading for wreck, and I can shove her off the train, I'll do it.
Right now she is pleasant and helpful and singing.
I do not spank my children, but interesting that that's the one thing that worked! If you've tried everything (and it sounds like you have!) AND it gets results, well...then Tater is positively reinforcing to YOU this discipline option. I'd be interested to see if it was a one off or not.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just as an aside, I am reading the same book, but only a few chapters in. I like the early chapters and agree with the psychology, but I'm starting to get a sneaking suspicion it's just a souped up star card system. (It's the accounting of that that drags me down and starts to get old. I'm all for positive reinforcement, just hate to nickel and dime it.) Keeping an open mind though. Also, I try to keep the book out of sight - don't want the difficult child to know she might be perceived as such!
I'm on the fence about spankings. If I had a biological child whose history I knew, I would spank. I think that spankings calmly and lovingly administered are exactly what is needed sometimes--with apologies (from the child) and forgiveness afterward.
ReplyDeleteSince I don't know what sort of triggers and traumas I have to deal with...it's a lot harder.
I think spankings should never be a last resort, when you're frazzled and angry, but merely a resort. You disobeyed? You get spanked. Now, I do think there are levels of disobedience, of course.
(Rach, maybe they should sell that book in a brown paper cover.)
BE NOT WEARY IN WELL DOING
ReplyDeleteDAD
Well first off, anyone who wants to look down their nose or tsk tsk you can just go screw themselves.
ReplyDeleteMy issue with spanking is that for most parents, it just doesn't work. But clearly you got results from Tater. Was it the "right" thing to do? I don't know. I have the luxury of having a child who does not act out in the way that your children do so who am I to tell you what you should do with your children.
In my opinion, the only things off the table are things that are explicitly physically or emotionally abusive. I just don't think a calm, controlled swat on the rear is either one.
A friend of mine runs a therapeutic preschool for children who have been kicked out of regular preschool for behavior problems. She does not have any children with RAD, but has children of parents in their drug treatment program, and children in the foster care system whose parents are trying to get them back.
One thing she says when they rage is, "[the children] may say they don't want your help, but they really do, because they can't control the situation in a healthy way and they need you to control it for them." Seems to me to be similar to the train analogy. It's not appropriate for Tater to control the situation because she cannot do it in a healthy or appropriate manner. As a parent, I say yes, if you CAN control the situation in an appropriate manner, through whatever non-abusive means you need, then I'd support that. It's both what you need and what Tater needs.
We can understand on an intellectual level the reasons why Tater (and Garbanzo) want and try to control the situation, but that's not what happens in a family. I see where you're questioning the spanking and I would too, but I think the bigger question is whether or not the situation is being controlled in an appropriate manner. If that's what it takes to disrupt the behavior, I'm the last to judge.
I think taking a new approach to a long running situation seems to break the pattern or derail the train as you put it. We find similar actions are sometimes required here too. A set pattern of misbehavior, followed by negative parental attention gets set up. We then try to find new ways of responding that force them to see that their response is not working as it did.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have found a means to a peaceful happy child if only for a few hours.
Ronda