yuck

Tater's constant oppositional and antagonistic attitude is wearing me out. My love bank is empty, my patience is worn thin. I don't even want to see her, much less mother her.

Bullying

This is a post from earlier this summer . . .  I'm not sure why it didn't post at the time.  Garbanzo had been assigned the role of assistant director for a play.

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So, I pull into the theater and the director is waiting for me.  Never a good sign.  Apparently Garbanzo blocked a kid into the toilet stall, making him crawl out under the door and threatened him if he told.
I go get Garbanzo and put him in the van.  Why are you here Garbanzo?
Because I put my pill in my lunchbox and didn't take it. 
No, but that is helpful to know about.  Why are you here?
Because of the chocolate chips.
No, but that is helpful to know about.  Why are you here?
Because of the chocolate milk in my lunchbox.
No, but that is helpful to know about.  Why are you here?
I don't know.
That's interesting.  Let me know when you are ready to tell me and then we can talk about how many days you will miss rehearsal.

For two hours he makes up nonsense: "I told kids to not run" etc.  Finally he confesses.  I thank him for being truthful and we go home.

Later that evening, we called the director and made arrangements for his return.  He was to be demoted and removed from all positions of authority over the other kids.  He was to receive a scolding from the director that included words like "trust' "authority" "confidence" and "disappointment".  He was to be kept apart from the other kids during the remaining rehearsals and sit in the audience with us during the show (sister was in the show).

The director held up her end beautifully, none of this "oh it's okay" B.S. that people tend to hand out.  Garbanzo spent the next two rehearsals sitting in the theater auditing the script -- just marking deviations, not announcing them -- make-work, really -- but it kept him away from the other kids and his change in status was visible to all.  He sat in the audience with us and when the other two assistant directors took their bows he cried.

Garbonzo

Argh.  In the last two weeks Garbonzo has . . .

• stolen a key from the lab and blithely feigned innocence during the ensuing hub-bub of "Where's the key?".  Of course, it was in his pocket.
• stolen pocketfuls of candy from his Gma, and blithely feigned innocence even after the pat-down and discovery.
• talked his sister into a cheating co-op wherein one steals the teacher books and copies the answers whilst the other posts look-out, and blithely feigned innocence even after her confession.
• smuggled off-limits treats out of the house and into his lunchbox.
• locked little kids in the bathroom stalls and threatened to to harm them if they told.
• told us a chore/task has been done when it most obviously has not been done.  This occurs 15-20 times a day. 
• lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. lied. 

We are definitely seeing a pattern.   This nasty behavior tends to appear after any of the fun summer activities.  Day camp, VBS, drama camp, etc.  Anything in which a large group of kids are under the supervision of a few adults (aka anything away from Mom) triggers orphanage behavior patterns.  We can see it.  It all makes sense.  But how do we make it go away?

dilatory orphanage shift worker

It is as if he (Garbanzo) believes that the rightful place of an adult is to sit idly in a room observing him and he will do whatever it takes to ensure that I get back to work, that is, get back to sitting idly in a room observing him. I left him to come in and type this. By the time I got to whatever it takes he was in here, asking a completely unnecessary question. Yes, yes, I know he is just asking for attention, albeit in an unhealthy way, and one would think that giving him attention would help. But it doesn't!!
  A. It is not possible to give him enough -- the deficit is that great and
  B. Sometimes I need to shower, or pay bills, or breath.
It's as if he thinks I am a dilatory orphanage shift worker and it is his mission to make sure I get back to work, back to sitting in the room with him. ARGHH!!!!!

lord of the manor

A-HA! I get it. Took me long enough.


When we visited the kids at the orphanage we saw that for each meal, one child would be designated the official helper, fitted with an apron, and given duties. This was a highly coveted designation. Garbanzo was in tears one day as our visit preempted his turn.

So, flash forward to the present. This morning I had him helping me clean out the fridge. All the sudden he is a) authoritatively answering question Chickadee has asked of me b) speaking to me in a bossy-pants tone and c) generally bossing his sister around.

We see this pattern ALL THE TIME. Give Garbanzo a small responsibility and he will promote himself to Lord of the Manor. It drives us nuts.

Duh.

In the orphanage, the 'helper' role came with Lord of the Manor privileges, at least amongst the other children. I can imagine that all those weary middle-aged care-givers didn't really mind him taking over either. After all, it wasn't their kitchen. Their kitchens awaited them at home at the end of their shift.

So, here we have -- once again -- an understanding of how he has come by this pattern, but not much of a clue on how to break down the pattern, other than (and this is what I do) working elbow-to-elbow with him and stating over-and-over "That is not your part." "That is not appropriate." and "You are not in charge."