Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Parenting the Child Adopted at School-Age

When reading literature on parenting the adopted-when-older child, one will often -- very often -- read that the children need lots of structure.
. . . how do I reward a kid for good choices when all the rewards I can think of set him up for bad choices?

We can do structure. We have calendars that tell us what to do each day. Chore jars that help us organize our time. Cellphones that tell us when to wake, eat, and depart. We have a wall chart for school days that tells us what our activities and deadlines are (in addition to the little charts upstairs that help them remember to wash up, get dressed, etc.). And so on . . .

What we didn't realize, however, is that it is more than providing marching orders for every waking minute, it is also necessary to never ever lighten up. ever. even if you really really want to.

We have noticed that when we do lighten up,
Garbanzo sees this newly-won permissiveness as open season. If any one boundary is relaxed, he things ALL boundaries are relaxed. So when we try to reward him for good behavior, he spirals down. As my B.I.L. says, "if you give him an inch, he'll take 40 miles, in about 20 seconds." And it's not just that he thinks all boundaries are off, but that he starts sporting an attitude.

When we are micromanaging his every move, he can graciously receive correction. But as soon as we allow an indulgence or two, he will chaff bitterly under correction, glowering and festering and acting as if we are trolls.

Today he lasted two minutes in Free-Play before he started cutting his sister's paper crown up with the scissors that had been returned to him just last night. (Note to face-to-face friends: no scissors for
Garbanzo.) I guess the exhilaration of having both scissors and a half hour of free choice was just too much for him.

So, my question is, how do I reward a kid for good choices when all the rewards I can think of set him up for bad choices?