My older son has always done this. Hard as it is I've found the only way to deal with it is to ignore it (as long as the one more time and saucy look are the end of it). That one more time lets him feel he's made the decision/has some control. I don't like it but I know that any time we directly butt heads with him he's incapable of backing down so I do my best to ignore it.
It's a good thing that I'm here for support and not advice. Sending you a big hug. And a cuppa tea with honey.
(Sorry to be the copy editor, but I really am just trying to protect your anonymity. "The Household" has another old nickname. I'm not looking for them! ;> )
I do think this blog is going to be good for you. I knew you were having struggles with G, but didn't know that you were with T, too.
Wait--an idea. What if you play dumb about the one more and the sauciness (I know, I know...not easy) and praise the behaviour that you DID ask for? Just don't see the defiance. If it gets no reaction, how long will it take the behaviour to be extinguished? I don't know. But, it's worth a try.
I have a hard time thanking a child for obeying. That's what a child does--Obey, right away, every day, in a cheerful way. But. I think *sometimes* it's okay to thank them. I'd do it later, though, and just praise in the moment.
It's hard to praise a "don't", though. I bet you're telling them what to do. Those are easier to praise. "Keep your feet quiet." is easier to praise than "Don't kick the table." Although you can always praise the obedience part. "You did a great job listening and obeying."
Kate, I really appreciate your copy-editing. Never apologize for that.
Yes, our Transforming the Difficult Child book would advocate 'Paying' (expending emotional energy) for the compliance and ignoring the sauce. I'll try harder.
My daughter does this as well. When I ask her not to xyz I now also tag on an "...and these are the consequences if you do xyz again..." That at least makes her think twice before doing xyz again. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I'm curious, do you think this a symptom of RAD or ODD or just typical saucy kid behavior?
We get the one more and the "I'll try that too." The minute we correct one child for a behavior the other one immediately steps in to do the same behavior. We think the negative attention is as valued as positive attention in our children. We work hard to swing it the other way but still struggle. Time out works best for us in breaking the pattern.
My older son has always done this. Hard as it is I've found the only way to deal with it is to ignore it (as long as the one more time and saucy look are the end of it). That one more time lets him feel he's made the decision/has some control. I don't like it but I know that any time we directly butt heads with him he's incapable of backing down so I do my best to ignore it.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing that I'm here for support and not advice. Sending you a big hug. And a cuppa tea with honey.
ReplyDelete(Sorry to be the copy editor, but I really am just trying to protect your anonymity. "The Household" has another old nickname. I'm not looking for them! ;> )
I do think this blog is going to be good for you. I knew you were having struggles with G, but didn't know that you were with T, too.
Wait--an idea. What if you play dumb about the one more and the sauciness (I know, I know...not easy) and praise the behaviour that you DID ask for? Just don't see the defiance. If it gets no reaction, how long will it take the behaviour to be extinguished? I don't know. But, it's worth a try.
I have a hard time thanking a child for obeying. That's what a child does--Obey, right away, every day, in a cheerful way. But. I think *sometimes* it's okay to thank them. I'd do it later, though, and just praise in the moment.
It's hard to praise a "don't", though. I bet you're telling them what to do. Those are easier to praise. "Keep your feet quiet." is easier to praise than "Don't kick the table." Although you can always praise the obedience part. "You did a great job listening and obeying."
Ramble, ramble.
Kate, I really appreciate your copy-editing. Never apologize for that.
ReplyDeleteYes, our Transforming the Difficult Child book would advocate 'Paying' (expending emotional energy) for the compliance and ignoring the sauce. I'll try harder.
My daughter does this as well. When I ask her not to xyz I now also tag on an "...and these are the consequences if you do xyz again..." That at least makes her think twice before doing xyz again. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious, do you think this a symptom of RAD or ODD or just typical saucy kid behavior?
Patty
We get the one more and the "I'll try that too." The minute we correct one child for a behavior the other one immediately steps in to do the same behavior. We think the negative attention is as valued as positive attention in our children. We work hard to swing it the other way but still struggle. Time out works best for us in breaking the pattern.
ReplyDelete