I am defeated. I wake up in the morning DREADING seeing my children. Tater's rages and defiance and horribleness makes planning for anything pleasant or lovely a waste of time.
I'm turning into a cold person. I hear so much sobbing and wailing on a daily basis that even when it is legitimate, I don't care. I have nothing left to give. I just want to run away.
We rarely make it to breakfast without a confrontation that includes at least an hour of her screaming how much she hates me.
And I am supposed to be the grown-up here. I'm supposed to maintain the Deborah Gray attitude of gentle, attentive, curious, kind and so on. I fail. I am not gentle or attentive. My current posture is defensive.
I GET this... I really do. There are nights I don't want to go to bed, because I know tomorrow will come if I do, and the patterns will start all over again. And the tantrums and the wailing. I'm constantly thinking "Who do you think you're fooling? Who in your past gave in to this and made you think it would get you what you want?" I want to be a gentle homeschool mom with a meek and quiet spirit, but more often I am pushed too far and end up a screaming mess, ashamed that I can't stay calm through it all. While I do my best to give them emotional support, if they had a legitimate need (for extra attention, affection), it would be hard for me to see it because I've become so cynical and feel like they are constantly trying to manipulate us. Real mature, huh? Sigh... you're not alone.
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