We did boot camp over the weekend: no talking, no yummy food (just the basics), chore duty, and rather rigid expectations of obedience. It was awful. It was worth it.

. . . for institutionalized children, giving more than the least is
an offering of love
that will not be noticed, appreciated, or requited,
so giving the least is the safest bet.

Garbanzo is usually a really good worker, usually does a good job with minimal supervision. This weekend he did really poor work which just keep extending his time in boot camp. When it became obvious that he was doing poor work as an act of defiance (which is what got him into boot camp in the first place) we talked it over.

In the orphanage, with rotating care-givers, the children learn to give the most efficient (aka the least) amount of respect and obedience that they need to without losing access to food and warmth. So Garbanzo has six years of fine-tuning his ability to be in a constantly-diminishing state of compliance. This is a coping skill that makes sense for institutionalized children. Giving more than the least is an offering of love that will not be noticed, appreciated, or requited, so giving the least is the safest bet.

When I put this in front of Garbanzo (in simpler language) he affirmed that this is how it is in the orphanage. We call it orphanage-thinking.

Then we talked about how, in a family, we give our best. The children often ask me why I am eating something different than what they are eating. We only had enough of the super-yummy stuff for them, so I eat something not quite as lovely. I give my best to my family. We have lots of examples of this, and Garbanzo really got excited about listing them all. We call this family-thinking.

Then we got to talk about how families love each other and are each other's special people. This is also family-thinking.

Garbanzo is a logical kiddo, so he quickly got the next part. Can we take family-thinking, having a mama and papa that are just yours etc., into the orphanage? How would that work? "Only sad," Garbanzo answered. Family-thinking won't work in the orphanage and will leave us sad.

How about taking orphanage-thinking, giving-our-least, into the family? How will that work? Garbanzo is nodding his head at this point. "I have to learn new thinking."

So, boot camp got his attention and let him know how seriously we take defiance, and we walked out with a new tool, "Garbanzo, give us your best respect and obey, remember, families give each other their best."

We also stumbled on chore camp in the process. A job poorly done lands one in chore camp, where one gains new chores until one's work ethic returns.