and Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience After Neglect and Trauma
. We got to hear her speak once before; I so wish we lived close enough to go see her for therapy.. . . be not dismissive of their tender needs . . .
I'm going to type up my notes here because, well to be honest, I have a better chance of finding the blog post months from now than I have of finding the paper in my files. Here is what I jotted down, in no particular order.
When infants move away from their primary caregiver, they experience psychobiologic disregulation. Garbanzo who recently finally got a primary caregiver, also does this. When he gets too far from me he gets physically wired up and his ability to make good decisions and control his impulses goes downhill. This is part of why keeping him home and keeping him close is so helpful. I wonder if it will still work when he is 18. Hmmmm . . .
Garbanzo is likely at the Disorganized Attachment category, always questioning "How is Mom going to be with me today?" with competing claims of "she's safe" and "watch out". Deborah did a great illustration of this, dividing the audience into thirds and asking us to shout out either "she's safe" or "watch out" or "run away" all at the same time as she asked a volunteer for a hug. This is what many of our kids experience each time they try to draw close.
Deborah mentioned that neglect is the highest predictor of anti-sociality. Kids from neglectful backgrounds have trouble recognizing some expressions on people's faces (this is Garbanzo, he sees everything, but doesn't interpret and/or register looks of annoyance etc.).
Deborah described how she talks with children about how empty hearts fill with mad and sad and we need to fill the hearts with loves. She also shared about a young woman who stole, and didn't know that stealing hurts people's feelings, hurts their hearts. We often run into similar things with Garbanzo; where he doesn't know things, doesn't 'see' things that are so obvious to us. Note to self: explicitly explain everything.
Prevent the kids from getting lonely and bored as that leads to anger, and with time and opportunity, mischief will ensue. We have seen this borne out over and over: keep him busy; keep him close.
With Garbanzo, we need to improve attachment to reduce anxiety to reduce need for control. Alas, easier said than done.
Kids that were abandoned question if they are worth coming back to. When returning to the kids, especially Tater, we need to talk up how happy we are to be reunited, how we thought about them while we were gone, etc.
Tater falls easily from frustration into despair. It is as if she used up her frustration tolerance as an infant waiting to be feed/warmed/ tended to. When frustration/despair overwhelm her now, provide empathy and compassion (she needs this retroactively) but don't dwell on it, don't let it become a defining characteristic.
Help her make a plan for when big feelings swamp her.
When she starts to melt, ask her to count things, or name things, or ask if anyone smells butter or popcorn or something. Smelling and counting and naming all engage the brain in activities that distract from emotional disintegration.
Then I have a whole list of resolutions, without commentary:
:: be more playful
:: be more affectionate
:: stroke inside of their palms (triggers for attachment)
:: do not shame them ~ "be not dismissive of their tender needs"
:: use more role-playing and repetition
:: help name feelings
:: hold hands more
:: create more positive spaces & moments
:: notice and admire
:: compliment their thinking
:: say 'yes' just cause they are cute
:: be not frightening
:: make timelines of their lives, or roadmaps . . . road to a happy life
:: play more
:: use words like "repair" and "restoration" not "punishment" and "discipline"
:: ramp up procedural learning - practice over and over
:: tell them what I want, not what I don't want
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