follow up

So, Garbanzo got up this morning and said that he didn't like living in my orphanage and that he would rather live in a home. So we talked about the differences in how family members treat each other and in how orphanage staff and residents treat each other. He could easily list off observable behavior that a mommy would do and that a care-giver would not do. He could not as easily list how a child with parents would behave differently from a child with care-givers, so we made a list. Now when I see him start down the wrong path, I can hand him the list and he can see where he is headed.

Behavior of a child with parents that he respects and appreciates and wants to be close to:
· Do good work all the way (do the whole job, the right way, the first time).
· Trust Mama and Papa’s decisions (don’t argue or contradict).
· Be trust-worthy (tell only real words, leave other peoples’ things alone).
· Wear a pleasant face.
· Obey.
· Respect adult conversation (stay out of it).
· Do your chores independently.

Behavior of a child with temporary caregivers that don’t really care about him and that he doesn’t really care about:
· Push into adult conversation.
· Contradict the adults.
· Give the adults advice that they don’t want or need.
· Manage the adult’s tasks, responsibilities, things, etc.
· Say “I will” but do a poor job or don’t do it.
· When an adult asked you do to a job, pretend that the adult asked you for a smaller job and do only that.
· Change or cancel adult instructions.
· Sulk.
· Argue.
· Yell at them.
· Storm off.
· Sneak.
· Disobey.
· Grumble.
· Snoop through their stuff.
· Take what you want.
· Plan ahead for the naughty thing you want to do the next time the adults aren’t around.
· If one says ‘no’ ask another adult.
· Bully and boss the other children around.
· Damage things on purpose.

limitations

You know, if my child had no legs, people would not come up to me and extol the virtues of running and how beneficial it would be to him and question why I won't let him do this normal lovely activity, why I won't let him be normal.  They would see that my child could not do this normal thing and that it wasn't because I wouldn't let him, but because there is some intrinsic limitation built into the way the child is made.

Yet, I get this all the time from well-meaning relatives: when are you going to let him got to school? when are you going to let him do this and that? wouldn't it be fun for him if he could . . . ?  But no, he doesn't get to to all that because his mean old mother arbitrarily says 'no'.


What if he doesn't get to do all that because he unravels when we try things like that? What if he doesn't get to do that because he is opportunistically sneaky and we have to keep an eye on him all the time? What if he doesn't get to do all that because even one week of sleep-away camp set us back about 9 months to a year in attachment? What if the reason his life is limited and not normal is not actually my fault?  What if I am constantly trying to expand his world and running into the clear message that he can't handle it yet?




What if I am grieving all the things my child doesn't get to do and be and experience and you walk up and extol the virtues of running to me?







Yes, some of my relatives read this, and yes, I am responding to something you said or did.  Be at peace though; I know your one suggestion was well-intended and seemed reasonable to you.  And if your suggestion was the only one, I wouldn't be reacting, but I am carrying a large basket of friendly suggestions that are all clearly oblivious to the fact that all those good things you want for our son, we want too.  All those desires that you spend 20 minutes on? We spend hours on.  We weep over them.  We grieve.


We are not, however, the source of his limitations.  We are the repair squad.  It's a yucky job and we are doing our best.  You can help us by stopping with the assumptions that if we would just get out of his way he could be a typical kid.  We are doing all we can to help him get to be a happy kid, but there are a lot of obstacles -- most of which you know nothing about -- none of which did we put into place.

"If you don't like my orphanage," I say, "don't live in it."

Two weeks ago, Garbanzo went to sleep-away camp.  He came back in what we call orphanage mode.  In orphanage mode, adults are obstacles to be worked around or resources to be manipulated.  Maintaining relationships is a silly waste of time as is establishing and preserving trust.  In orphanage-mode, a child presents surface compliance and sneaks and steals and disobeys as soon as the adult is not looking.  And why not?  The orphanage adults are paid staff members -- their real lives happen when they are off shift; how would it benefit a child to be genuine with these transitory care-providers?  It doesn't matter if a child tricks them or sneaks things from their private areas or says 'yes I will' and then promptly doesn't.  It doesn't matter because the child's food will keep arriving at the same time, their activity routines will be unaltered (because keeping a child from a group activity means supplying a staff member to supervise them -- easier to just let it go).  Sure, they'll get a scolding, but that is a temporary annoyance.

(As an aside, people -- especially my Dad -- remark on how well my children handle scoldings.  This is not a good thing.  They endure it as they would a cloud of gnats: annoying, but only on the surface -- and forgotten once the gnats leave.)

Okay, so Garbanzo is in orphanage mode.  His behavior is defiant and willful and demanding and bossy and contradictory and deceitful and tricksy and mean and dismissive and pretty much dreadful to be around.  He is in a mode where he will do what he wants and does not care if we say "no" or if we have asked him to do something else.  He is treating us as disposable relationships.  He can't manipulate us into doing as he wishes, so he has dismissed us.  We exist to feed him and drive him around.

Not!

We keep trying to impose the family model on him and he will have nothing to do with it.  He smirks and gives lip service and then goes right back to his yucky ways.

So, for today, he wins.  For today, this is Suzanne's Orphanage. The staff member is grouchy as she doesn't like/didn't want this job.  The food is so-so as the cook is in a bad mood.  The activities are all chores as the activity director is also grouchy.  There is a lot of sitting-on-the-stairs-waiting-for-a-supervisor time.  It's a very boring drab life in this orphanage.

He complains.  He doesn't like this orphanage.  He liked the last one better.  Yeah, well, orphanages vary.  He doesn't like the food (unsweetened hot oatmeal).  He doesn't like the activities (stacking wood).  He doesn't like the matter-of-fact interactions with me, the staff member.  He doesn't like it here.

"If you don't like my orphanage," I say, "don't live in it."


-----------

And before you all post asking me if he knows what his options are, yes, he does. We made a long list of how orphanage relationships are different from family relationships and he could recognize which one he has been living and we talked about how I've been trying for the last two weeks to live in the Family Way and he is rejecting it and that I can't MAKE him make a better choice but that I can choose what I do, and what I choose is to stop wrestling with him over it.

dilatory orphanage shift worker

It is as if he (Garbanzo) believes that the rightful place of an adult is to sit idly in a room observing him and he will do whatever it takes to ensure that I get back to work, that is, get back to sitting idly in a room observing him. I left him to come in and type this. By the time I got to whatever it takes he was in here, asking a completely unnecessary question. Yes, yes, I know he is just asking for attention, albeit in an unhealthy way, and one would think that giving him attention would help. But it doesn't!!
  A. It is not possible to give him enough -- the deficit is that great and
  B. Sometimes I need to shower, or pay bills, or breath.
It's as if he thinks I am a dilatory orphanage shift worker and it is his mission to make sure I get back to work, back to sitting in the room with him. ARGHH!!!!!

brush them you will

This morning I took the kids in for their teeth cleaning and exams. Yes, I took my kids somewhere. Whoo hoo. I'm feeling as if I may become a normal functioning person again. Not this week, of course, but sometime.

Anyway, Garbanzo's teeth were nasty, coated with gunk and tarter and gross stuff. He says he brushes. We put toothpaste on his brush and make him stand in front of us and it appears that he is moving the brush properly, but I have long suspected him of sham-brushing and my suspicions were confirmed today. So, the new YOU WILL SCRUB plan has come into place.

As I see it, he either needs to manage his own dental hygiene or someone else has to manage it for him. The someone else option is to have more professional cleanings (at $67.00 a pop) which he will have to pay for. He can earn this money by scrubbing a floor for me at $1.00 a floor. So, either way, he will scrub.

I explained this to him and scheduled his next cleaning. Each and every time that I spot-check his teeth and find goo I will give him a (mandatory) earning opportunity. So, if he doesn't want to have his activity interrupted or postponed by a floor-scrubbing, he might want to keep his teeth clean.

I'll let you know how it works.

landmines

It's not just the little jars of pee, actually weird bathroom stuff I could handle. It's the lies. Garbanzo leaves landmines all over the house. We can be having a perfectly lovely day and he will report that he has done something, or not done something, or whatever and then, as I walk through the house I see that exact opposite; I see a little lie landmine awaiting me. And this happens multiple times a day. It wears me out. It drains my love-tank. After days and days of this I have no lovey feelings left.

The cure? Keep him so supervised that he has no opportunity to lie, because he is never away from us. Basically keep him within 10 feet of me all day long.

Oh joy. Constant exposure to the one person I don't want to spend time with.

I'm griping. I don't want encouragement. I want support. Just so you know.

And please oh please don't explain to me why he is this way. I get it. I know why he is this way. Knowing why and living with it are two different things. It's the latter that I am struggling with.

bitter about baby-sitters

"Get a baby-sitter." they say, these mothers of home-grown children. "Get a baby-sitter." they say, as they extol the merits of the sanity break, defend the expense, and make me want to weep.

Baby-sitters are one of the key areas in which -- in our experience -- what works for home-grown kids, most dreadfully does not work for post-institutional kids, at least not for our eldest.

Garbanzo had nearly 7 years of care-givers that were staff, care-givers that rotate on-and-off shift, that may or may not be emotionally invested in the children they looked after, and that can be angered, disappointed, deceived, and manipulated with no lasting effects.

Then he got us and (big surprise) treated us as paid staff that can be angered, disappointed, deceived, and manipulated with no lasting effects. It is really really hard for him to understand, much less live out, the difference between an orphanage-living arrangement and a family-living arrangement. Putting him into the care of others sets him right back to orphanage-mode. And why not? He had 6 highly formative years of that, and only 2.5 years of this.

This is why we home-school, because the institutional setting of school triggers anti-family behavior patterns. The same anti-family behavior patterns that are triggered by spending time with a paid care-giver that most likely is not emotionally invested in the children, and that can be angered, disappointed, deceived, and manipulated with no lasting effects.

In fact, manipulating and deceiving the care-giver is one of the favorite ways to pass the time. "So what?" you may ask. "Let him torment the sitter, pay her well, and move on." The problem is that Garbanzo sees us as merely the next shift and it takes a vast amount of time and energy and tears and gnashing of teeth to re-settle him into family mode.

You may wonder then why we just enrolled them in public school. Because the school will look after them when I can't and we have no other options.

I would love to hire a baby-sitter. I would love to not feel so trapped and alone. I would love to have that be a healthy option for our family. I envy those of you with emotionally normal kids that can handle this basic tool of parenting. It's just not a tool that we get to use yet.

little jars of pee

How would you handle finding little jars of pee stashed throughout your house? I'm handling it by flipping my lid.

lying

I think I am handling things in a wise and informed manner, but as the problem keeps recurring, I am being to doubt.

Last night:

Garbanzo: Mom, how do I get this off the cookie sheet?
Me: Use a SOS pad.
(big production about finding a SOS pad, writing SOS pads on the grocery list as the box is low, etc.)

This morning I find the cookie sheet, untouched by SOS pad or soap and water for that matter, hidden in the laundry room. Not set down and forgotten, but tucked into the gap between the freezer and the shelving.

Me: So, how did that SOS pad work last night?
Garbanzo: Great!!
Me: Can I see?
Garbanzo: Yeah.
(He pulls out the cookie sheet's twin and proudly displays it.)
Me: That is not the cookie sheet.

Garbanzo: Yes it is.
Me: Please go sit in the little chair until you are ready to tell the truth.


(time passes)


Garbanzo: I hid it in the laundry room.
Me: Go get it and clean it please.


(I sequester myself in my bedroom where my head bursts into flames.)

He had it all planned out! It was premeditated deception. I HATE THIS. How oh how can I install a conscience in this kid? He is such a terrific little person, bursting with intelligence and charm, yet all this will be for naught if he persists in land-mining his relationships with expedient deceptions.

Help!!

lord of the manor

A-HA! I get it. Took me long enough.


When we visited the kids at the orphanage we saw that for each meal, one child would be designated the official helper, fitted with an apron, and given duties. This was a highly coveted designation. Garbanzo was in tears one day as our visit preempted his turn.

So, flash forward to the present. This morning I had him helping me clean out the fridge. All the sudden he is a) authoritatively answering question Chickadee has asked of me b) speaking to me in a bossy-pants tone and c) generally bossing his sister around.

We see this pattern ALL THE TIME. Give Garbanzo a small responsibility and he will promote himself to Lord of the Manor. It drives us nuts.

Duh.

In the orphanage, the 'helper' role came with Lord of the Manor privileges, at least amongst the other children. I can imagine that all those weary middle-aged care-givers didn't really mind him taking over either. After all, it wasn't their kitchen. Their kitchens awaited them at home at the end of their shift.

So, here we have -- once again -- an understanding of how he has come by this pattern, but not much of a clue on how to break down the pattern, other than (and this is what I do) working elbow-to-elbow with him and stating over-and-over "That is not your part." "That is not appropriate." and "You are not in charge."

lying

As you know, Garbanzo has a very weak grasp on the principles of honesty and trust and integrity. And yes, we do know that he lived in survival-mode for most of his life and came by these issues honestly (so-to-speak) and so forth. But we can hardly launch him into the world without trying to alter these habits.

Can you imagine? He is good-looking and charming and desperately needs intimate female affection and has nary a qualm about lying to get what he wants and is very impulsive and is always looking for the next new thing.

Right. So you just locked up your daughters (wise of you). We really really need to modify some of these factors. We've been working on the lying.

And this morning a teeny tiny step of progress was made.

Last weekend he told a whopper and we had a long long talk (after he spent the day forking my vegetable garden as discipline). I drew him a picture of our family, cozied up inside a circle of trust. When he lies, he breaks a gap into the circle and steps outside. HE STEPS OUTSIDE. That part is important, because -- regardless of how much we miss him -- he is outside the cozy circle by his actions. I can't un-do that.

In fact, pretending that everything is okay would be doing a great disservice, setting him up to expect that he can betray trust and life goes on unaltered.

I also told him that when we have to confront the lie, the door back into the circle closes a little more with each new lie. But that, if he confesses the truth before we inquire about it, he steps back in. The circle is still tattered, but at least he is on the inside of it.

(My hope and expectation is that he will be able to shorten the time-span between stepping out and stepping back in to where they happen in the same breath. I think this is more realistic than trying to eliminate the reflexive lies in the first place.)

. . . Mom, it's really bugging me that I lied to you yesterday . . .

Then he and I role-played many situations, some silly and some serious, in which a lie was told and confessed and things were okay. Sometimes he was the liar, sometimes I was. So he got a good dialogue memorized which he can use for the confession part, and a realistic idea of what might happen after a confession.

Yesterday I found a bag of unauthorized snacks open on the counter. Both kids denied it and I pretended to buy their (his) lie, hoping that he would use the opportunity.

YES!

This morning he came in and said, "Mom, it's really bugging me that I lied to you yesterday about the sunflower seeds."

It was bugging him. That sounds like a fledgling conscience, doesn't it? I am encouraged.

ADHD

Did you know that most children diagnosed with ADHD are boys (10% males: 4% females?). Is this a problem with boys? Or a problem with expecting boys to be not-boys? (Or merely a problem with diagnoses?)

Where did ADHD come from? The University of Chicago linked ADHD to a "gene that regulates the actions of the neurotransmitter dopamine." Although I do indeed believe that God purposefully created all that is, I also believe in microevolution; I have to ask: What benefit did this gene confer? and Might it be useful? Is ADHD a disorder? or merely one more aspect of the wonderful variety of attributes that make up the human population? One more aspect that has been labeled as a disorder to provide more specialties for psychologists and clinicians to specialize in? I'm not saying that the so-called symptoms don't exist -- surely I know that they do -- I am questioning if they represent a disorder.

Here is the official diagnostic criteria:

DSM-IV Criteria for ADHD

I. Either A or B:

A. Six or more of the following symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months to a point that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:

1. Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
2. Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
3. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
4. Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
5. Often has trouble organizing activities.
6. Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
7. Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
8. Is often easily distracted.
9. Often forgetful in daily activities.

B. Six or more of the following symptoms of hyperactivity -impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:

1. Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.
2. Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.
3. Often runs about or climbs when and where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may feel very restless).
4. Often has trouble playing or enjoying leisure activities quietly.
5. Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor".
6. Often talks excessively.


Impulsiveness

1. Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished.
2. Often has trouble waiting one's turn.
3. Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).

. . . Is ADHD a disorder? or merely one more aspect of the wonderful variety of attributes that make up the human population? One more aspect that has been labeled as a disorder to provide more specialties for psychologists and clinicians to specialize in? . . .

I've put into bold all the ones we live with (yeah, it is pretty much all of them ~ do we get extra points for fulfilling both A & B?).

We recently received the report from the school district psychologist. Although he didn't come right out and say it (I wonder why not?) he included all this language multiple times. Maybe he thinks he'll have to break it to us gently, like we didn't already know . . .




:: this post is included in the 36th edition of the brain blogging carnival hosted over at the BrainBlogger.

Deborah Gray

Last Monday -- thanks to my dear cousin who took the kids -- I got to attend an all day conference at which spoke. I learned quite a bit and was reminded of many things I had rather forgotten about. Deborah Gray is the author of Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents and Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience After Neglect and Trauma. We got to hear her speak once before; I so wish we lived close enough to go see her for therapy.

. . . be not dismissive of their tender needs . . .

I'm going to type up my notes here because, well to be honest, I have a better chance of finding the blog post months from now than I have of finding the paper in my files. Here is what I jotted down, in no particular order.


When infants move away from their primary caregiver, they experience psychobiologic disregulation. Garbanzo who recently finally got a primary caregiver, also does this. When he gets too far from me he gets physically wired up and his ability to make good decisions and control his impulses goes downhill. This is part of why keeping him home and keeping him close is so helpful. I wonder if it will still work when he is 18. Hmmmm . . .

Garbanzo is likely at the Disorganized Attachment category, always questioning "How is Mom going to be with me today?" with competing claims of "she's safe" and "watch out". Deborah did a great illustration of this, dividing the audience into thirds and asking us to shout out either "she's safe" or "watch out" or "run away" all at the same time as she asked a volunteer for a hug. This is what many of our kids experience each time they try to draw close.

Deborah mentioned that neglect is the highest predictor of anti-sociality. Kids from neglectful backgrounds have trouble recognizing some expressions on people's faces (this is Garbanzo, he sees everything, but doesn't interpret and/or register looks of annoyance etc.).

Deborah described how she talks with children about how empty hearts fill with mad and sad and we need to fill the hearts with loves. She also shared about a young woman who stole, and didn't know that stealing hurts people's feelings, hurts their hearts. We often run into similar things with Garbanzo; where he doesn't know things, doesn't 'see' things that are so obvious to us. Note to self: explicitly explain everything.

Prevent the kids from getting lonely and bored as that leads to anger, and with time and opportunity, mischief will ensue. We have seen this borne out over and over: keep him busy; keep him close.

With Garbanzo, we need to improve attachment to reduce anxiety to reduce need for control. Alas, easier said than done.

Kids that were abandoned question if they are worth coming back to. When returning to the kids, especially Tater, we need to talk up how happy we are to be reunited, how we thought about them while we were gone, etc.

Tater falls easily from frustration into despair. It is as if she used up her frustration tolerance as an infant waiting to be feed/warmed/ tended to. When frustration/despair overwhelm her now, provide empathy and compassion (she needs this retroactively) but don't dwell on it, don't let it become a defining characteristic.

Help her make a plan for when big feelings swamp her.

When she starts to melt, ask her to count things, or name things, or ask if anyone smells butter or popcorn or something. Smelling and counting and naming all engage the brain in activities that distract from emotional disintegration.

Then I have a whole list of resolutions, without commentary:
:: be more playful
:: be more affectionate
:: stroke inside of their palms (triggers for attachment)
:: do not shame them ~ "be not dismissive of their tender needs"
:: use more role-playing and repetition
:: help name feelings
:: hold hands more
:: create more positive spaces & moments
:: notice and admire
:: compliment their thinking
:: say 'yes' just cause they are cute
:: be not frightening
:: make timelines of their lives, or roadmaps . . . road to a happy life
:: play more
:: use words like "repair" and "restoration" not "punishment" and "discipline"
:: ramp up procedural learning - practice over and over
:: tell them what I want, not what I don't want

to home-school or not to home-school? that is the question

We are in the midst of a big decision here. Remember when we pulled Garbanzo out of school for a couple weeks due to behavior that is unblogable? Well it has proven to be a good decision and we are now considering extending the hiatus for the rest of the year.

Pros
:: Many more hours available each day for wholesome family interactions to promote attachment.
:: No driving! I spend 1.5 hours a day dropping him off and picking him up.
:: Chickadee wouldn't have to wake up so early -- she is always tired. Neither she nor I are morning people.
:: Pleasant mornings, not racing-out-the-door mornings.
:: I would be responsible for his education.
:: He could take math, spelling, and chess at the homeschool/school partnership at no charge.
:: He can have regular social interactions with the kids in the aforementioned classes.
:: I spoke his current teacher about this plan, and she gave her blessing.
:: He could spend a lot more time with his very special person, Grandpa.
:: We would have time to do something like Awanas or 4H.
:: Mandatory roundtrips to town drop from 120 miles per week 18 miles per week.


Cons
:: I would be responsible for his education.
:: I may get a bit weary of hanging out all day with Mr. Intensity.
:: We'll have to be more proactive about finding kids for him to be friends with. This may mean that we will have to socialize with other families. Oh the horror.
:: Seems as if there should be more on the con list. What are we overlooking?